


everybody told me heartbreak is necessary for growth (i must be six inches taller by now)

by preath



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, F/F, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Unrequited Love, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-27
Updated: 2019-09-27
Packaged: 2020-10-29 11:51:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20796197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/preath/pseuds/preath
Summary: This has to be a dream, she tells herself, this cannot be happening.But it is and this is not a dream and Alex is staring at her like the world is ending and in a way it kind of was.





	everybody told me heartbreak is necessary for growth (i must be six inches taller by now)

**Author's Note:**

> re-upload bc of a boo boo!! 
> 
> soooo i've had horrendous writers block trying to write ohwtsily and this happened?? idk. it's a thing. enjoy.

'Kelley, I’m sorry, I…'  
  
  
  
Alex draws away and Kelley’s hand on her cheek suddenly feels very wrong. She lets her arm drop down back to her side and stares at her, hoping she will simply vanish into thin air, leaving her to wake up in her bed, alone.  
  
  
  
This has to be a dream, she tells herself, this cannot be happening.  
  
  
  
But it is and this is not a dream and Alex is staring at her like the world is ending and in a way it kind of was.  
  
  
  
'Kel…' Her name sounds like a plea, like she’s begging forgiveness for the words that will follow, the words that she’s been afraid of all along. Kelley’s eyes squeeze shut for a moment and when she opens them Alex’s gaze is still on her, heavy and intense. She tries to speak but her mouth is dry and the words come out as a whisper.  
  
  
  
'Fuck. I’m so sorry, Alex…'  
  
  
  
Alex interrupts her mid-sentence. 'No, Kelley, I am. I’m sorry if you… I didn’t mean to…'. Her voice trails off and for the first time she looks away, up over her head and Kelley has to fight the innate urge to turn around. There is no one here but the two of them, she knows that. Instead, her eyes drop down to her collarbone, and tracing its outline she can’t help but wonder what it would feel like to touch her there.  
  
  
  
'I’m not… I… I never meant to… for this… Kelley.'  
  
  
  
Her name sounds like a plea again and the desperation in her voice makes Kelley look up at her. Tears are streaming down her face but she seems oblivious to them. Or maybe she just doesn’t care. Kelley thinks she should be the one crying, but the tears won’t come and she’s suddenly jealous of her unabashed display of emotions.  
  
  
  
'I’m sorry if I let you believe we could be anything more than…' she stumbles over the last word, '…friends.' Her eyes meet Kelley’s again, glowing embers damped only by her still pouring tears. She feels like she can’t take it, like her heart is actually going to cave into her chest.  
  
  
  
'Kelley, I’m not gay.'

* * *

Kelley squeezes her eyes shut. Blood pumping hard in her ears, but she still hears the soft 'I never meant to hurt you' emerging from her lips. _Fuck this, you just did, Alex!_  
  
  
  
She wants to scream at her but her walls are already back up and in place again so she just nods her head as she opens her eyes. A storm is raging inside of her, pushing and tugging on her insides, but her skin is impenetrable and her eyes are mirrored glass.  
  
  
  
Alex will never know the full impact of her disclosure, she will never know how much Kelley had fallen in love with her and she will never tell her about how her face haunts her at night and her scent intoxicates her whenever they're playing on the same team.  
  
  
  
The perpetual looks she had been giving her, the things she had said to her, the comforting touches, all that was not supposed to be anything more than simple care for a friend.  
  
  
  
Alex should come with a warning that says: _She’s not in love with you, she just wants to take care of you._  
  
  
  
She needed to get out of this house, as far away from her as possible. She couldn’t let her see her fall apart.  
  
  
  
'I have to go.' The words fall like ice from her lips. She waits for a response, but Alex’s quiet compliance says it all.  
  
  
  
She almost made it to the door when she realizes there’s one more thing she needed to know.  
  
  
  
'Just… tell me, Alex… you and Serv… are you… again?” She couldn’t bring herself to say it out loud, but she needed an answer. She needed to know, she was desperate, fighting for something she doesn’t yet understand.  
  
  
  
Tears are still streaming down Alex’s cheeks and she feels the sudden urge to slap her, to tell her that it’s her who should be crying.  
  
  
  
'It’s not been long, Kel… we just recently… he's trying.'  
  
  
  
Alex’s voice cracks and Kelley was simultaneously repelled and awed by her candour. She swallowed the lump in her throat that’s threatening to gag her, willing her voice to sound calm and in control when she feels anything but. Instead, it comes out as a whisper, breathless.  
  
  
  
'Goodbye, Alex.'  
  
  
  
Kelley rushes to push open the front door, thirsting for fresh air. Rain is coming down in sheets from the pitch-black sky, but she doesn’t pause. Kelley just keeps running until she finds herself outside of a bar, skidding over the wet pavement in front of it. She doesn’t know why she ran here and didn't just call for an Uber or grab the nearest taxi to take her to a hotel or the airport but her mind is blank and she wasn’t concentrating on which direction her feet were taking her, she just ran and ran and ran. Going inside the bar was not an option, no matter how much she wanted to drown her sorrows right now. She was a fucking mess and she didn’t want Alex to see her in this state never mind a whole fucking bar of people who would probably recognize her for who she was. She couldn’t stand strangers judging eyes, the looks of pity that burned deep into her soul.  
  
  
  
Instead, she leaned back and perched her ass on one of the wooden benches sat out front and lifted her head up to the sky, eyes closing against the rain. The pelting water drenched her clothes but Kelley was indifferent. Her body was on fire and finally, she can feel the tears scorching her face. They mix with the rain until she can’t tell them apart until she can feel her knees weaken and her insides tighten and her body succumbing to the pain. She bends over, clasping at her stomach and then she just lets go. Kelley breaks into a crying fit, glad for once that there is rain and darkness to hide her weakness.  
  
  
  
When the fit finally passes she slightly open her eyes, only to see Alex’s legs in front of her. She thinks she might faint but she doesn’t and for a fleeting moment she harbours the hope that Alex lied to her before. But she didn’t she realizes when she rises up to her full height and sees her standing there holding the jacket she didn’t even realize she’d forgotten.  
  
  
  
She hands it out to her, the action seeming silently cautious like she is afraid she might break her. Kelley knows she can’t because she’s already broken.  
  
  
  
The streetlight a few feet away illuminates her frame and Kelley looks up into her eyes, but the eyes that have comforted her time and time again are sullen now. She is hurting for her, she knows that. Her face has lost its warmth and the usual radiance underlying her features has disappeared. She opens her mouth but closes it without saying a word. Giving her a heart wrenching look before she simply turns around and walks away back to her car that she belatedly notices parked at the curb.  
  
  
  
Her heart thuds in her chest with every step that Alex takes away from her, she wills her to look back at her, just once but she doesn’t. As she walks further and further away she realizes she’s right. There is nothing left to say. Kelley fell apart right in front of her, but she didn’t catch her. She never would. She never will.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading this mess. please leave me kudos and comments to feed my validation.


End file.
